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Collection: Stillness
I’ve been wracking my brain trying to put my thoughts into words and have you somehow know what’s been going on in my life for the past year and more importantly the past week.

I had decided to come back to blogging as soon as I was ready but I realized just a few minutes ago that most of you have been with me for a long time, through thick and thin and have celebrated with me my achievements and happy moments - so I couldn’t just sweep this one under the rug and pretend it didn’t happen.

For over a year my dad suffered from cancer, I won’t tell you all the details but as you could imagine, there’s a reason why people refer to it as a “battle”. Being a continent away from home and not being able to be close to him when he was undergoing surgeries, treatment, memory loss and a million other things, was the biggest, most anxiety-inducing roller coaster I’ve been on in my life. Every call, every message, every email caused a panic attack and it continued to be like that for a year.

Earlier this year the treatments and surgeries took their toll on my father and they discovered that after a long period of chemo, he still had cancer and was sent back home to spend his last days with his loved ones. In a matter of minutes I got the news that he was suffering from pneumonia and then it sunk in that he was going to pass away before I could even try to be there with him.

He passed away on Sunday evening. I felt a mix of relief that he wasn’t going to suffer the way he had and a deep pain that my father wasn’t going to be with us any longer, that he wasn’t going to enjoy the company of his wife, children and grandchildren that he loved so much. Weirdly enough, I wanted him to be able to comfort us. I needed my father as he was passing away.

I realized on Monday that we’d gone through so much and I had been trying to push myself above and beyond my limits, blogging on days when I felt torn inside, obsessing over the quality of work I do for my sponsors, writing a book while feeling physically out of breath from all the emotions running through my body and fighting so hard so that my business didn’t go up in flames while my life felt exactly like that.

Clearly, I understand I’m not the only person who has gone through this and the only person who will ever go through it, but as I write these words, they feel unreal to me - that I won’t see him again and at the same time, liberating. I hope you understand why I’d battle between telling you and keeping this to myself.

The fact that you know I’m not a slacker, that I do love what I do, that I do want to continue... and I want to launch that book... and the urge to continue designing beautiful blogs is still alive in me. I needed a moment of stillness, a time of silence I haven't had in a long time. I cannot in any way say I'm "recharged" but there's more calmness withing me.

I want to be able to get through this and make my father proud. I’m sure this black cloud will lift one day but in the meantime, I thank all of you for being kind and understanding, for still giving me the chance to work with you and for your kind and healing words and prayers.

Photography: Kristofer Johnsson

16 comments:

  1. I am so sorry for your loss, love. I hope you can be strong throughout and I'm sure he would be proud of you no matter what.

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    1. Thank you for your kind wrods, Hannie.
      xx

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  2. I lost my dad to cancer last year. He was given 6 months. He lived 6 days. I still want my 6 months. My heart goes out to you and you're in my thoughts. Lots of love,
    --Elle

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    1. I'm so sorry to hear that, Elle. It's hard to lose someone and it's horrible to see them suffer that much. It is truly traumatic. Love back to you.

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  3. I am so sorry Ana. It must so difficult for you , i can't even imagine. I lost my grandmother and a friend this year from cancer, both suffered too much. Although missing them, i do feel the relief you describe, that their suffering is over. So much love for you <3 and although i know we're "virtual" friend anything i can do to help you these days - just say the word.

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    1. Thank you so much, beautiful! You're more than that to me. I'm sure we'll meet some time and I'll be able to thank you for your words and kindness in person. xx

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  4. I'm so sorry for your loss, I too know the cancer battle and how that all goes, it's not pretty and can be painful. Your father will never be a loss you get over, but I promise each day will teach you how to get by a little better.

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    1. Thank you so much, Noor. It's means a lot.

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  5. Dear Ana,

    I am so sorry to hear of what you have been going through and about your father's passing. My father had a brain tumor and passed away from it and though it's been years, it still feels like yesterday. I almost feel like I can pick the phone and just call him and I'd hear his voice on the other side calling my name.

    These times will be hard. But I promise you it will get a little easier. The hole in the heart never goes away, but it's a blessing to know that those beautiful souls do not hurt anymore. And they are pain free and smiling down on us every day that we cry for them.

    You and yours are in my prayers. My eyes and heart weep as I type this because I know what it feels like, Stay strong. He is in a beautiful world now far from us but always with you.

    Blessings and much Love,
    Hena

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    1. Dear Hena,
      I'm so sorry that you also had to go through that. My mind feels very cloudy these days. I can definitely relate to that. It's a moment of so much confusion and pain. There are no good days or bad days anymore, just days... I hope that I can feel better soon. I know I love him deeply and that love will never go away I just wish I could feel that strong feeling without feeling pain. Your words and prayers are very comforting. Thank you for taking the time to share this with me. I never knew how important words and comfort are in times like this but they truly are everything. Sending you my love too and a big hug.

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  6. Ahh Ana,
    I know what you mean. It's all a haze right now. Even eating seems like it's wrong and it may seem like you are moving on. What really helped me was picking to do something good for someone in my dad's memory. It can be anything. LIke volunteering in your local public garden. Or giving something to poor. I started volunteering in a child shelter and hospital. And it became my connection to him. I know it won't be easy. It is so hard. There are days even now when it hits me he is not there. I can't tease him about his belly or hold his hand or press his head when it hurts. Crying it out on those hard days helps and eases the pain. He died on my birthday, and the month still starts heavy for me. But you get strong. Just stay strong. And find that one thing to do with/for him. I promise it will help. He must be so so proud of you.I keep doing things that would make him proud. Keep talking. Even to strangers. It helps. We are praying for you,

    Big hugs

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  7. Thank you so much, Hena! I've actually gone after trying to do the same. It's been an experience filled with love and pain at the same time. I'm glad to be trying though. Your words mean the world to me. Thank you for taking the time to share with me. I'm so sorry that you had to go through all that, though I admire your courage so much. I hope you're well. Love, Ana

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  8. My dearest dearest Ana. I cannot believe it.. I'm so so deeply sorry for your loss of your dearest Father. I feel and relate with you so deeply, as my dear Dad as well just passed away recently as well. I know and feel your emotions.. it takes my breath away, my heart aches almost explodes, tears keep running, numbness, emptiness, meaninglessness, denial, disbelief... I'm with you in spirit! You can always talk, write to me, please.. if you wanna talk or just let words flow... I'm here! I know we never met, yet... we've known each other for quite a few years now.. in the online world and I've have withdrawn from Blogging for a while now as well.. more so now and also feel the urge to let myself out, and find meaning and creativity within me again.. someday soon.. slowly... My heart goes out to you! Sending strength, love ... and mostly quietness, to your heart, soul and mind. Hug and Kiss. ❤️������ Xx ...As well reading all this beautiful words from all of your wonderful Blog Friends brings me to tears and helps me a bit as well.. it helps a lot to share and connect with people who are going through and went through those hard times as well.. Sending all my love .. out to all of you. ... ❤️

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    1. Dear Cam,
      I was positive I had replied to this comment. I'm so sorry it didn't go through. I cannot thank you enough for all the time you've spent talking to me and sharing your story with me with so much love and care. I hope to meet you in person at some point in our lives. Love.

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  9. Ana, I have had you in my heart and mind since I heard the news. I do hope you're able to find that calm... that peace. I lost my mother to cancer shortly after I graduated from high school. Tomorrow is her birthday and your words sincerely speak volumes to me right now. As someone who has also lost a parent to cancer, as well family members and friends, I can definitely say things do become more calm and easier. I'm sending you so much strength ( even though you seem to already possess so much of it already ) and if there is ever anything I can do, please reach out to me.

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    1. Thank you, Latrina. This touched my heart, I' sorry for your loss. I know nothing makes their absence better but I can feel my heart settling a bit more (with the exception of a few very bad days). I truly appreciate your kindness and offer. Sending you a big virtual hug.

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